It's been over a year since I've written here and words are not hard to come by...but for now I'll leave it open.
Hopefully the words that are in my head will form something manageable that you can relate with.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Day...This Day
I knew the day would come...
But I didn't know I would feel like this when it finally came
This has gone on way too long to just be leftover feelings
Whatever it is, God I need you now!
But I didn't know I would feel like this when it finally came
This has gone on way too long to just be leftover feelings
Whatever it is, God I need you now!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Untitled 2: Stuck Between...
Everyone knows the saying that we are stuck between a rock and a hard place...
I'll be honest, I hate saying that.
Never the less I would consider myself stuck at this point, stuck may very well be replaced in this context with searching but it makes for a more dramatic approach I guess.
So, as a Sophomore Advisor this year at Rose Hulman I've experienced some great moments with the guys on my floor remembering what it's like to be a kid again. To go out and play baseball, a pick game of basketball (obviously I got my work done, but I'm more looking beyond that at this point since it's just a given that I spend 20 of the 24 hours in the day doing something class related).
Just recently, I received a letter that I had been accepted to the position of Resident Advisor on Speed 3, something that I've wanted to be since day 1 when I stepped into my residence hall. But as the feelings have sunk in a little and I've had some time to think about preparing things for next year, I'm beginning to think that I'm just this much closer to being a "grown up."
This is something that I've always struggled with and now it's more apparent than ever, my unwillingness to grow up and live life care free playing outside in the dirt and my ultimate urge to become a mature member of society and settle down with someone.
The last part was brought on by a conversation I was having with someone recently about the things that happen during our 20's and one of the things that was brought up was marriage. Before I get too ahead of myself, I'm leaving all of that to God, he has everything planned out (not to say that I don't worry about it).
So I guess, without getting too far off track, that's where I am. I'm stuck between playing in the dirt and putting on my suit and tie, in a funny sort of way.
It's definitely not the worst thing that has happened in my life, just something maybe a little out of the ordinary other than having problems with school or relationships, etc.
For now I'm just waiting out these last few weeks of school and rooting on the Cubbies!!!
Jeremiah 29:11
I'll be honest, I hate saying that.
Never the less I would consider myself stuck at this point, stuck may very well be replaced in this context with searching but it makes for a more dramatic approach I guess.
So, as a Sophomore Advisor this year at Rose Hulman I've experienced some great moments with the guys on my floor remembering what it's like to be a kid again. To go out and play baseball, a pick game of basketball (obviously I got my work done, but I'm more looking beyond that at this point since it's just a given that I spend 20 of the 24 hours in the day doing something class related).
Just recently, I received a letter that I had been accepted to the position of Resident Advisor on Speed 3, something that I've wanted to be since day 1 when I stepped into my residence hall. But as the feelings have sunk in a little and I've had some time to think about preparing things for next year, I'm beginning to think that I'm just this much closer to being a "grown up."
This is something that I've always struggled with and now it's more apparent than ever, my unwillingness to grow up and live life care free playing outside in the dirt and my ultimate urge to become a mature member of society and settle down with someone.
The last part was brought on by a conversation I was having with someone recently about the things that happen during our 20's and one of the things that was brought up was marriage. Before I get too ahead of myself, I'm leaving all of that to God, he has everything planned out (not to say that I don't worry about it).
So I guess, without getting too far off track, that's where I am. I'm stuck between playing in the dirt and putting on my suit and tie, in a funny sort of way.
It's definitely not the worst thing that has happened in my life, just something maybe a little out of the ordinary other than having problems with school or relationships, etc.
For now I'm just waiting out these last few weeks of school and rooting on the Cubbies!!!
Jeremiah 29:11
Sunday, February 28, 2010
New Leaf
There are things on this blog that I'm not proud of, I'm just going to throw it out there and for those I have wronged and hurt I apologize. There has been a period in my life that I have felt like I am my own planet and that everything revolved around me...well it turns out there is a lot more going on than I know what to think of.
So as a start to this new leaf, I'm deleting my Facebook! I have found that most of the stuff that I look through and post is junk and I want to set this write and get connected on a more personal level rather than just leaving something for certain peron(s) to find later.
The second step to this new leaf is something that I have started since becoming a college student. I have done this so much actually that I have worn down my space bar in certain places, and that is write letters.
I encourage you that if you feel compelled to write to me or stay in contact in some way, please write me at this address:
RHIT CM#1578
5500 Wabash Av
Terre Haute, IN 47803
Or, if you would like, send me your address and I'll send you the first, maybe this could turn out better for the both of us, who knows.
I'll stay optimistic
email: colejea@gmail.com
God Bless
So as a start to this new leaf, I'm deleting my Facebook! I have found that most of the stuff that I look through and post is junk and I want to set this write and get connected on a more personal level rather than just leaving something for certain peron(s) to find later.
The second step to this new leaf is something that I have started since becoming a college student. I have done this so much actually that I have worn down my space bar in certain places, and that is write letters.
I encourage you that if you feel compelled to write to me or stay in contact in some way, please write me at this address:
RHIT CM#1578
5500 Wabash Av
Terre Haute, IN 47803
Or, if you would like, send me your address and I'll send you the first, maybe this could turn out better for the both of us, who knows.
I'll stay optimistic
email: colejea@gmail.com
God Bless
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Untitled 1: The Tree
For those of you who know me, I like to write. I don't write as much as I would like, frankly because I don't have a lot of time, but never the less writing is a passion of mine. Many of my thoughts I prefer to keep to myself in any and every way possible because they are specific to heart and some are just my cries out to my Heavenly Father! I'm not saying that I have anything to hide, it merely means that I, like many of you that read/write on online blogs keep some thoughts to myself, which in most cases is the right thing to do. For whatever reason we keep them to ourselves and we never seem to let them go. We never let them past the filters of the sheets of paper we write on. I'm guilty of this, along with so many other things, but for now let's just concentrate on this.
There has one thing that has been heavy on my pen these past few months, now when I say "few months" I mean to say that I actually know the exact number of weeks, days, and hours in which everything that I'm about to say here took place. Most of this may be a completely waste of my finger strength, I guess I'll be able to tell from the feedback I get. I will not name any names in the course of this entry, but if you are reading this and you know who I'm talking about please understand that I'm not ashamed of anything that is said here, rather I'm just seeking truth and peace, but mostly peace. There are words here that I refuse to say for the sake of those who may or may not read this, I would like to keep some of my dignity while at the same time spilling my guts sitting in a somewhat empty youth building (by the way...love this place, thanks for the break in Mr. Mathis).
here is my story...
I fell hard. I didn't feel the breeze swaying the branches or the crack of the first limb but rather I was blind sided. As I got up, I was greeted with "hello"s and "welcome back"s. But after every fall we get right back up don't we? We get up and "shake it off" just praying that nobody saw us trip over the small weed that is sticking up between the cracks of the pavement. But what about on the bad falls? What about on the ones where something actually does happen that requires more than just a "shake off?" I can remember one such occasion down in Ecuador, I had a 15 pound cinder block dropped on two of my right toes breaking them in multiple places. Now, thinking back to that point in my life, I remember at first just walking off the pain that was, at that time, shooting up through my leg through what felt like every nerve of my body and finally telling my brain that something was actually wrong this time. But after maybe 30 seconds of this fake treatment I froze. I lost all feeling in my body and...I froze
If I were to make a list of top scariest moments in life, this would be #1, no question.
So, as I have already said I fell, and by this time if you haven't figured out what I did next, well then...keep reading
I thought I could just walk this out. And I did exactly that, I did it for weeks, with pats on the back and whispers of what a great job I was doing as my motivation. I was supposed to be the "big brother" of Speed 1, the fearless leader who saw fit to reclaim the title of "The Gentlemen of Campus." All of this while I was nursing my wounds and pondering how I could have fallen when I felt I had such a good grip and foothold on things. I felt like I had both feet and both hands securely placed.
Which brings us to the next par to the story, analyzing why the fall happened. In any case whether it be a murder on the streets or the tripping experience we have on the "perfect" sidewalk, we what to know how and why this has been done to us. Many times, others outside of our personal lives can offer insight when given just small slices of the entire puzzle. Of course, we all know this to be that when you don't give someone the entire puzzle, how can they solve it? Everyone is always looking for the quick and easy way out and I was no different. I desperately searched for the right answer, it's what I've been programmed to do, I'm a freaking ENGINEER WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!?!? My resources felt so limited, even prayer at this time was a struggle in everyday life.
It was this time that I froze. I couldn't move. Here I was sitting at my desk at the most prestigious engineering school in the nation, where there is always one of some 3000 prospective students looking to take your place when you feel like you've had enough, and I could barely bring myself to lift a pencil to put my name in the top right corner.
To say I was depressed is an understatement. I was done. I wanted to quit right at that moment. Drop out. Leave what I was doing and join some mission group in Africa and build huts from mud and straw.
If anyone is still reading this I would like to ask you a question...where is the pause button on life? Let me know when you find it.
I went through of week of nothing, my grades dived, my spiritual life went bye bye, and my family became one of the last things on my mind. This one fall in my life caused all of this? Highly unlikely, but why was everything else in my amplifying this events affects on my life?
I then used my words to craft a letter, hoping that with it I could gain some peace about why I had fallen, and that ultimately would lead to me to feeling alive again and free me from my bondage. I admitted faults in this letter, stuff that I felt I might have done wrong during our time together. My letter was received with open arms and an open heart, I had done a good thing in attempting to mend our relationship, yet I was still disappointed with the outcome of my efforts. I sent the letter with one of two intentions, and it was taken as the one that I really didn't want to hear (again, my stubbornness wanting to have it my way, the expected way).
I'm not proud of these feelings as this point, in fact I would to think that if I could see myself back then that I would beat myself senseless and tell myself to pull it together!
So the biggest question I have at this point, are all of these feelings that I'm having at this point just my stubbornness? I've never felt this selfish before about something/someone. Before you get the wrong impression about me, I have owned up to myself since having these feelings...these feelings of wanting to change my stars but not even having the vision to see them. There are things in this life that I know I won't understand, but in this I am desperately looking for something beyond my own comprehension. If there is nothing beyond that the fact that this is life and things happen because people are people then I guess I'll have to live with that, but why do I continue to hang on to this?
Now that I'm reading this through, it seems as if I'm being stubborn about my own stubbornness. hmmmmm...
So, that is my story and this is where I sit today. I'm in an empty Youth Building surrounded by the soothing sounds of Clint Mansell and the soundtrack to The Fountain. As much as I have screamed and cried about this part of my life, I'm ready to leave it behind. I'm ready to leave this baggage where I sit at this very moment. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
For now I have rediscovered my Jesus and I'm happy to say that I'm beginning a new journey to regain my strength. Although I can't help but wonder back to these moments if there was something that could have been done. All this time I've spent wallowing in my despair has all been for loss? At this point, yes, it has all been for loss. I now have work to do, I have a relationship with my heavenly father to mend, I have a family whom I have neglected for too long, and I have a friendship to build...one that will hopefully last until...
There has one thing that has been heavy on my pen these past few months, now when I say "few months" I mean to say that I actually know the exact number of weeks, days, and hours in which everything that I'm about to say here took place. Most of this may be a completely waste of my finger strength, I guess I'll be able to tell from the feedback I get. I will not name any names in the course of this entry, but if you are reading this and you know who I'm talking about please understand that I'm not ashamed of anything that is said here, rather I'm just seeking truth and peace, but mostly peace. There are words here that I refuse to say for the sake of those who may or may not read this, I would like to keep some of my dignity while at the same time spilling my guts sitting in a somewhat empty youth building (by the way...love this place, thanks for the break in Mr. Mathis).
here is my story...
I fell hard. I didn't feel the breeze swaying the branches or the crack of the first limb but rather I was blind sided. As I got up, I was greeted with "hello"s and "welcome back"s. But after every fall we get right back up don't we? We get up and "shake it off" just praying that nobody saw us trip over the small weed that is sticking up between the cracks of the pavement. But what about on the bad falls? What about on the ones where something actually does happen that requires more than just a "shake off?" I can remember one such occasion down in Ecuador, I had a 15 pound cinder block dropped on two of my right toes breaking them in multiple places. Now, thinking back to that point in my life, I remember at first just walking off the pain that was, at that time, shooting up through my leg through what felt like every nerve of my body and finally telling my brain that something was actually wrong this time. But after maybe 30 seconds of this fake treatment I froze. I lost all feeling in my body and...I froze
If I were to make a list of top scariest moments in life, this would be #1, no question.
So, as I have already said I fell, and by this time if you haven't figured out what I did next, well then...keep reading
I thought I could just walk this out. And I did exactly that, I did it for weeks, with pats on the back and whispers of what a great job I was doing as my motivation. I was supposed to be the "big brother" of Speed 1, the fearless leader who saw fit to reclaim the title of "The Gentlemen of Campus." All of this while I was nursing my wounds and pondering how I could have fallen when I felt I had such a good grip and foothold on things. I felt like I had both feet and both hands securely placed.
Which brings us to the next par to the story, analyzing why the fall happened. In any case whether it be a murder on the streets or the tripping experience we have on the "perfect" sidewalk, we what to know how and why this has been done to us. Many times, others outside of our personal lives can offer insight when given just small slices of the entire puzzle. Of course, we all know this to be that when you don't give someone the entire puzzle, how can they solve it? Everyone is always looking for the quick and easy way out and I was no different. I desperately searched for the right answer, it's what I've been programmed to do, I'm a freaking ENGINEER WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!?!? My resources felt so limited, even prayer at this time was a struggle in everyday life.
It was this time that I froze. I couldn't move. Here I was sitting at my desk at the most prestigious engineering school in the nation, where there is always one of some 3000 prospective students looking to take your place when you feel like you've had enough, and I could barely bring myself to lift a pencil to put my name in the top right corner.
To say I was depressed is an understatement. I was done. I wanted to quit right at that moment. Drop out. Leave what I was doing and join some mission group in Africa and build huts from mud and straw.
If anyone is still reading this I would like to ask you a question...where is the pause button on life? Let me know when you find it.
I went through of week of nothing, my grades dived, my spiritual life went bye bye, and my family became one of the last things on my mind. This one fall in my life caused all of this? Highly unlikely, but why was everything else in my amplifying this events affects on my life?
I then used my words to craft a letter, hoping that with it I could gain some peace about why I had fallen, and that ultimately would lead to me to feeling alive again and free me from my bondage. I admitted faults in this letter, stuff that I felt I might have done wrong during our time together. My letter was received with open arms and an open heart, I had done a good thing in attempting to mend our relationship, yet I was still disappointed with the outcome of my efforts. I sent the letter with one of two intentions, and it was taken as the one that I really didn't want to hear (again, my stubbornness wanting to have it my way, the expected way).
I'm not proud of these feelings as this point, in fact I would to think that if I could see myself back then that I would beat myself senseless and tell myself to pull it together!
So the biggest question I have at this point, are all of these feelings that I'm having at this point just my stubbornness? I've never felt this selfish before about something/someone. Before you get the wrong impression about me, I have owned up to myself since having these feelings...these feelings of wanting to change my stars but not even having the vision to see them. There are things in this life that I know I won't understand, but in this I am desperately looking for something beyond my own comprehension. If there is nothing beyond that the fact that this is life and things happen because people are people then I guess I'll have to live with that, but why do I continue to hang on to this?
Now that I'm reading this through, it seems as if I'm being stubborn about my own stubbornness. hmmmmm...
So, that is my story and this is where I sit today. I'm in an empty Youth Building surrounded by the soothing sounds of Clint Mansell and the soundtrack to The Fountain. As much as I have screamed and cried about this part of my life, I'm ready to leave it behind. I'm ready to leave this baggage where I sit at this very moment. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
For now I have rediscovered my Jesus and I'm happy to say that I'm beginning a new journey to regain my strength. Although I can't help but wonder back to these moments if there was something that could have been done. All this time I've spent wallowing in my despair has all been for loss? At this point, yes, it has all been for loss. I now have work to do, I have a relationship with my heavenly father to mend, I have a family whom I have neglected for too long, and I have a friendship to build...one that will hopefully last until...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Love
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way then this. So close that your hand on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.
I Love you...
~jc~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)