Contributing a Verse

Untitled 3: Too Much To Say

2011-04-22T16:49:00.002-05:00

It's been over a year since I've written here and words are not hard to come by...but for now I'll leave it open.

Hopefully the words that are in my head will form something manageable that you can relate with.

The Day...This Day

2010-04-12T03:21:00.002-05:00

I knew the day would come...

But I didn't know I would feel like this when it finally came

This has gone on way too long to just be leftover feelings

Whatever it is, God I need you now!

Untitled 2: Stuck Between...

2010-04-08T01:21:00.001-05:00

Everyone knows the saying that we are stuck between a rock and a hard place...

I'll be honest, I hate saying that.

Never the less I would consider myself stuck at this point, stuck may very well be replaced in this context with searching but it makes for a more dramatic approach I guess.

So, as a Sophomore Advisor this year at Rose Hulman I've experienced some great moments with the guys on my floor remembering what it's like to be a kid again. To go out and play baseball, a pick game of basketball (obviously I got my work done, but I'm more looking beyond that at this point since it's just a given that I spend 20 of the 24 hours in the day doing something class related).

Just recently, I received a letter that I had been accepted to the position of Resident Advisor on Speed 3, something that I've wanted to be since day 1 when I stepped into my residence hall. But as the feelings have sunk in a little and I've had some time to think about preparing things for next year, I'm beginning to think that I'm just this much closer to being a "grown up."

This is something that I've always struggled with and now it's more apparent than ever, my unwillingness to grow up and live life care free playing outside in the dirt and my ultimate urge to become a mature member of society and settle down with someone.

The last part was brought on by a conversation I was having with someone recently about the things that happen during our 20's and one of the things that was brought up was marriage. Before I get too ahead of myself, I'm leaving all of that to God, he has everything planned out (not to say that I don't worry about it).

So I guess, without getting too far off track, that's where I am. I'm stuck between playing in the dirt and putting on my suit and tie, in a funny sort of way.

It's definitely not the worst thing that has happened in my life, just something maybe a little out of the ordinary other than having problems with school or relationships, etc.

For now I'm just waiting out these last few weeks of school and rooting on the Cubbies!!!

Jeremiah 29:11

New Leaf

2010-02-28T20:54:00.002-06:00

There are things on this blog that I'm not proud of, I'm just going to throw it out there and for those I have wronged and hurt I apologize. There has been a period in my life that I have felt like I am my own planet and that everything revolved around me...well it turns out there is a lot more going on than I know what to think of.

So as a start to this new leaf, I'm deleting my Facebook! I have found that most of the stuff that I look through and post is junk and I want to set this write and get connected on a more personal level rather than just leaving something for certain peron(s) to find later.

The second step to this new leaf is something that I have started since becoming a college student. I have done this so much actually that I have worn down my space bar in certain places, and that is write letters.

I encourage you that if you feel compelled to write to me or stay in contact in some way, please write me at this address:

RHIT CM#1578
5500 Wabash Av
Terre Haute, IN 47803

Or, if you would like, send me your address and I'll send you the first, maybe this could turn out better for the both of us, who knows.

I'll stay optimistic

email: colejea@gmail.com

God Bless

Untitled 1: The Tree

2009-11-22T18:21:00.010-06:00

For those of you who know me, I like to write. I don't write as much as I would like, frankly because I don't have a lot of time, but never the less writing is a passion of mine. Many of my thoughts I prefer to keep to myself in any and every way possible because they are specific to heart and some are just my cries out to my Heavenly Father! I'm not saying that I have anything to hide, it merely means that I, like many of you that read/write on online blogs keep some thoughts to myself, which in most cases is the right thing to do. For whatever reason we keep them to ourselves and we never seem to let them go. We never let them past the filters of the sheets of paper we write on. I'm guilty of this, along with so many other things, but for now let's just concentrate on this.

There has one thing that has been heavy on my pen these past few months, now when I say "few months" I mean to say that I actually know the exact number of weeks, days, and hours in which everything that I'm about to say here took place. Most of this may be a completely waste of my finger strength, I guess I'll be able to tell from the feedback I get. I will not name any names in the course of this entry, but if you are reading this and you know who I'm talking about please understand that I'm not ashamed of anything that is said here, rather I'm just seeking truth and peace, but mostly peace. There are words here that I refuse to say for the sake of those who may or may not read this, I would like to keep some of my dignity while at the same time spilling my guts sitting in a somewhat empty youth building (by the way...love this place, thanks for the break in Mr. Mathis).

here is my story...

I fell hard. I didn't feel the breeze swaying the branches or the crack of the first limb but rather I was blind sided. As I got up, I was greeted with "hello"s and "welcome back"s. But after every fall we get right back up don't we? We get up and "shake it off" just praying that nobody saw us trip over the small weed that is sticking up between the cracks of the pavement. But what about on the bad falls? What about on the ones where something actually does happen that requires more than just a "shake off?" I can remember one such occasion down in Ecuador, I had a 15 pound cinder block dropped on two of my right toes breaking them in multiple places. Now, thinking back to that point in my life, I remember at first just walking off the pain that was, at that time, shooting up through my leg through what felt like every nerve of my body and finally telling my brain that something was actually wrong this time. But after maybe 30 seconds of this fake treatment I froze. I lost all feeling in my body and...I froze

If I were to make a list of top scariest moments in life, this would be #1, no question.

So, as I have already said I fell, and by this time if you haven't figured out what I did next, well then...keep reading

I thought I could just walk this out. And I did exactly that, I did it for weeks, with pats on the back and whispers of what a great job I was doing as my motivation. I was supposed to be the "big brother" of Speed 1, the fearless leader who saw fit to reclaim the title of "The Gentlemen of Campus." All of this while I was nursing my wounds and pondering how I could have fallen when I felt I had such a good grip and foothold on things. I felt like I had both feet and both hands securely placed.

Which brings us to the next par to the story, analyzing why the fall happened. In any case whether it be a murder on the streets or the tripping experience we have on the "perfect" sidewalk, we what to know how and why this has been done to us. Many times, others outside of our personal lives can offer insight when given just small slices of the entire puzzle. Of course, we all know this to be that when you don't give someone the entire puzzle, how can they solve it? Everyone is always looking for the quick and easy way out and I was no different. I desperately searched for the right answer, it's what I've been programmed to do, I'm a freaking ENGINEER WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!?!? My resources felt so limited, even prayer at this time was a struggle in everyday life.

It was this time that I froze. I couldn't move. Here I was sitting at my desk at the most prestigious engineering school in the nation, where there is always one of some 3000 prospective students looking to take your place when you feel like you've had enough, and I could barely bring myself to lift a pencil to put my name in the top right corner.

To say I was depressed is an understatement. I was done. I wanted to quit right at that moment. Drop out. Leave what I was doing and join some mission group in Africa and build huts from mud and straw.

If anyone is still reading this I would like to ask you a question...where is the pause button on life? Let me know when you find it.

I went through of week of nothing, my grades dived, my spiritual life went bye bye, and my family became one of the last things on my mind. This one fall in my life caused all of this? Highly unlikely, but why was everything else in my amplifying this events affects on my life?

I then used my words to craft a letter, hoping that with it I could gain some peace about why I had fallen, and that ultimately would lead to me to feeling alive again and free me from my bondage. I admitted faults in this letter, stuff that I felt I might have done wrong during our time together. My letter was received with open arms and an open heart, I had done a good thing in attempting to mend our relationship, yet I was still disappointed with the outcome of my efforts. I sent the letter with one of two intentions, and it was taken as the one that I really didn't want to hear (again, my stubbornness wanting to have it my way, the expected way).

I'm not proud of these feelings as this point, in fact I would to think that if I could see myself back then that I would beat myself senseless and tell myself to pull it together!

So the biggest question I have at this point, are all of these feelings that I'm having at this point just my stubbornness? I've never felt this selfish before about something/someone. Before you get the wrong impression about me, I have owned up to myself since having these feelings...these feelings of wanting to change my stars but not even having the vision to see them. There are things in this life that I know I won't understand, but in this I am desperately looking for something beyond my own comprehension. If there is nothing beyond that the fact that this is life and things happen because people are people then I guess I'll have to live with that, but why do I continue to hang on to this?

Now that I'm reading this through, it seems as if I'm being stubborn about my own stubbornness. hmmmmm...

So, that is my story and this is where I sit today. I'm in an empty Youth Building surrounded by the soothing sounds of Clint Mansell and the soundtrack to The Fountain. As much as I have screamed and cried about this part of my life, I'm ready to leave it behind. I'm ready to leave this baggage where I sit at this very moment. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

For now I have rediscovered my Jesus and I'm happy to say that I'm beginning a new journey to regain my strength. Although I can't help but wonder back to these moments if there was something that could have been done. All this time I've spent wallowing in my despair has all been for loss? At this point, yes, it has all been for loss. I now have work to do, I have a relationship with my heavenly father to mend, I have a family whom I have neglected for too long, and I have a friendship to build...one that will hopefully last until...

Wonderful Music

2009-04-01T13:02:00.000-05:00

Hopefully this works!!

~jc~

Love

2008-11-22T01:18:00.003-06:00

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way then this. So close that your hand on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.

I Love you...

~jc~

"Change"...I'm Optimistic

2008-11-05T14:06:00.004-06:00

Last night, on pretty much every channel, we witnessed history. It took me a few good long hours to ponder what has just happened to our country and how far it's come, even if I didn't vote for the President Elect. As the camera scanned the crowd signs of "Change" wave in the crowd of thousands in Grant Park. Barak Obama is our Commander and Chief to be, he has been given the task of leading this great nation founded on values of liberty, life, and the pursuit of happiness, all under God. As of last night he is the most popular man on the face of the Earth, this time next year, he may be the exact opposite, we won't know until we get there.

But in the meantime, I'm going to remain optimistic. I want to witness what this man can do for this great country, restoring her to a place of excellence, fairness, and peace that was once had. I realize there are many critical issues surrounding this election i.e. the economy, the war, etc. but for now, Barak is my President elect whether I like it or not, and I will pray for him daily that God gives him wisdom in every decision he makes that affects the American people and the world as a whole.

Barak: What ever decisions you make in the years to come, seek the path of our great creator, he will help you guide this country to where she needs to be for His plan. He alone is good.

To you all, pray for this man, it's all a big party right now, but come January 20th at high noon he will be the most powerful man in the world, like any other man, he will need help. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

~jc~

Last couple of days...

2008-10-21T09:04:00.002-05:00

I can't really put into words what has happened in the last couple of days. Right I need some quiet time in a park with God to sort everything out in my head. Just to know what is going on, Prayer would be nice...

~jc~

Quick Post

2008-10-07T17:39:00.002-05:00

So I feel great, I feel like I'm in the right place right now. Everything seems to be coming together with God in the center of everything. He is here with me and I'm so grateful for him. I can't imagine any of this without him.

Just a quick thought...

~jc~

God Breathed...

2008-08-26T11:07:00.003-05:00

I'm so flustered right now. I've been sitting in the Morton Public Library listening to a man known as Jay Baker, the son whose parents I believe caused the world to hate Christianity. Okay, perhaps not that far, his parents did show the world the corruptness of what mainstream Christians can become and how greed is an evil trick of Satan. Anyways, this man is highly regarded among Relevant magazine subscribers and I thought I would look into the guy, just to see what he has to say...

An hour I'm sitting in the same chair to the point of punching my computer at how hardcore this guy is. I love his views of looking and seeing everyone as a human being, incapable of being perfect, I realize this truth and have come to accept it, but he and his supporters go on to say that the bible is merely nothing more than God inspired words of "men." If I could I would put much more emphasis on the word "men" I would because that is exactly the termenology used here. Saying that the imprefection of men put together the words that I'm holding in my hand at this very moment. The words in red, the prophecies of Daniel, Isaiah, Jeremiah, all of them just shams?!? Please help me understand this Jay.

If this is so what do the words of second Timothy 3:16 mean to us when it says "All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness." I feel like I was being feed lies, from a man who wants to right the wrongs of his parents. Perhaps I'm being too judgemental towards Jay, and maybe I don't have the full story of what he has been through, but first impression, "I can't believe what you are saying!"

~jc~

New Life Beginning...

2008-08-23T23:07:00.002-05:00

Well, my five weeks of hell is over. Math camp is done, and now with 15 credit hours under my belt and a computer that can do everything but tie my shoes for me, I'm ready for the school year to start. I never though I could be this ready to take on this venture, but it seems that under certain circumstances and through the meeting of some highly regarded persons, I have become at peace with beginning my new life away from home.

I have people here who I can call family. People who are experiencing the same trials and hardships as me and therefore through this times, we draw closer to each other, knowing that together we can make it through. I won't lie to you, its scary going into a world of unknowns, but I'm ready to face it, ready to jump head first into my new world.

Heaven...

2008-08-20T21:30:00.002-05:00

Hope has given us wings, and we must fly. Winter has given way to the spring, the dawn of a new time when the mind is freed from the chills and cold of frost. We have broken from the icy bonds that once drew us close and held us tight to the point of breaking, but the winds have changed, the tide has rolled out, the green of the trees, the flowers, they all have come to see the light once again. But what is the garden without the color of the flower? What is a flower without its petals? It is what makes it unique, set apart from its counterparts, brought forth into the world through the natural processes to give color and beauty to a once barren and bleak setting. It is by these phenomenons that we find mystery that we can't explain, and instead of trying to understand the anonymity, we embrace it. We become one with what is unknown and we are content. We fall into the meadows of flowing tall grass, graceful breezes whisk our noses and smells of the nearby picnic fill the air. To stay forever is said to be madness. To experience it forever is said to be Heaven. Heaven on Earth, where we can live in each others presence in the midst of perfection. Will you come to Heaven with me?

This past two weeks...

2008-08-05T14:43:00.006-05:00

I'm not sure how many of you out there actually take the time to read blogs or not, but if you do end up here and decide you can take some time out of your busy day. My last two weeks has been full of math. I can't really say much more than that. Dealing with integers, vectors, coefficients, derivatives, differentials, sums, log, natural logs, e's, b's, Pi's and 3's. Slope and delta, change in y's, sigmas, thetas cosine phi's.

Ok maybe I should stop trying to rhyme my math terms. I guess thats what you get when you go to a nerd school. I can recall just last Saturday a basketball on the courts outside the dorm that consisted of making jokes about measuring the curvature of the 3 point arc. Now not to put any of this on anyone else, but I did start the jokes so perhaps punishment should come my way first. I haven't really had time for anything more than doing homework and sitting in class, with the man known as Dr. Graves. This man rocks my world, with his catchy sayings and grandpa smile. If you look on my facebook, my wall of flair, you will see a piece that says "Go Home and Eat Popcorn", yes that is one of his FAVORITE sayings. No joke there!

Well when we aren't finding the funny quirks of class, I'm either talking online with people or working on two types of special projects. One is a weekend projects filled with pain, working, and more pain.

So I have come to realize that I should probably finish blogs in one sitting rather than breaking it up into multiple sessions. I have found I can truly lose my train of thought entirely!!

~jc~

Church in the Park

2008-07-27T21:07:00.000-05:00

Well, today I went to church with my roommate Nathan to a small church tucked far into the side of Terre Haute in Fairbanks Park called the Mosaic. This tiny up and coming church of maybe 25 on a good day, is just beginning its ministry to the people of the community and I have to say, I love it and I want to be apart of it. The service was maybe an hour long, I wouldn't even say it was that long, but it was filled with the glory of God. The music that was played and the message that was spread to my ears were just what I needed this week, after having gone through a week of complete and total Hell, and it looks to be that way for awhile. But for this brief moment, I felt at home. This tiny church meeting in a building called the Girl Scout center, showed me how to worship and understand how much God truly loves me.

I'm being honest with myself when I say that I haven't recited or read John 3:16 in about 6 months, and to hear it this morning in song and scripture showed me just how real Jesus is to me. How I am nothing without him. Through Him all things are possible. Music to my ears...

Oral Surgeons on Street Corners...

2008-07-19T18:01:00.000-05:00

Its the first day of the rest of my life. I'm going to say that so many times its going to someday be put on my grave stone as my catch pharse. But that's what it truly is, a welcoming of new ideas and experiences that are so new and exciting to me that I don't know how to feel as of now, at this moment. I'm sitting in a hotel lobby, writing this, thinking that at this time tomorrow I'll be meeting people from China and sharing a room with a complete stranger (just pointing out facts, I'm not judging). Its wonderful, its completely unthinkable at what I'm about to do with my life at this point. I would like to post some pictures on here but the guys at the front desk are watching me like a hawk to make sure I'm not plugging things into this PC...

So where do I go now? I have so many opportunities that this choice that is ahead of me is really one that has no wrong answer, no wrong path, no right way, no wrong turn. For now, I'm walking in the foot steps of Jesus and his path, he will guide me to what he wants me to be.

~jc~

P.S. - Ok so TH has got to be some sort of sick town because everywhere I go I see signs for oral surgeons. Maybe its just a good market down here!!!

The Wren of the House

2008-06-15T15:02:00.000-05:00

Matthew 6:26 - "Look at the birds..."

So I did. Perhaps I'm taking it out of context, but in the end I'm glad I did because I learned something from a bird today.

It is a sanctuary of wildlife. Birds come and go as they please without word from human beings. No interaction, no signs pointing them to this spot, no roads coming to this point, just a sanctuary. More sparrows have hatched in our backyard then burgers sold at McDonald's (I laugh at the sign that says "99 billion served"). But this season is something new, something that is unmistakable in sight and sound. A wren. All two inches of height and half an ounce of weight, a wren has made his appearance, and his voice heard in the sanctuary. This picture really doesn't do him any justice and if I could, I would get video of him just so you could hear this bird in all his glory. When he first came to the sanctuary, he was very shy, just stalking the grounds, going in and out of the trees, bushes, wood piles. Finding new hiding places (this bird can fit anywhere), and finally ending his sleuthing upon a house. The discovery of this house is where the learning process for me begins. As I sit in on the patio and watch Ray (I just named him) scout out our facilities, I see him freeze on top of the trellis in front of this house. He sits motionless for what seems like hours. After this long silence, a song is played. This song is perfect, one with fast, quick rhythm and beats, proceeding to a sharp key change, a slow and sweet symphonic cadence leading to an ending with a crescendo that rivals even the 1812 Overture (if you haven't heard that then get on it). If I may be so bold, I would call this worship. This creature of creation using his God given song to give back to him, praising him for his providing of shelter and food. He broke out of his frozen state and begin to fly, flutter, and free fall all the while singing praises in perfect rhyme and composition. I learned two things from Ray this day. One: God will provide. Two: Worship should not be something we hold back on. Just as Ray showed me, I should be in a different world when it comes to worship, not looking, not thinking, not listening to what others are saying. This may be old news to some of you, but its one thing to hear it from a Pastor or on a church trip, all the places you know you will hear it, blah, but its a totally different feeling to see it happen. To watch as someone/something experiences God's grace and love and rejoices for it. Leaving everything behind, to forget time is ticking away and to place every last praise and song and prayer at the feet of God.

And that is what I learned from Ray, the Wren of the House

The Power of Words

2008-06-11T22:01:00.000-05:00

This week has been so unlike any other I have experienced in quite some time. A feeling of insignificance has overwhelmed me, but not one that is going to kick me in the gut and leave me to die. More a feeling that a lesson is involved, something I should be learning from these days.
I just read a book, Ella Minnow Pea, I would recommend this to anyone who has ever picked up a book or plans to in the future. This amazing little story has quite literally changed my thoughts of words and the letters that make them. Each one so delicately placed, the square peg in the square hole, like brush strokes on a canvas, each one having a specific and meaningful purpose in the formation and honest thoughts of the artist. The use of language and written word brings so much to us as human beings, it is a lifestyle for some, communication with others like the ones that we love, others we care for, and yet others we dream about. It is a way to literally, figuratively, or symbolically express feelings, feelings that we release through words. These letters and words form sentences, sentences to paragraphs and so on creating these strings of poetry, fiction, truth, entertainment, terror, and humor. The power of the written, spoken, acted words can change the world, when put in the right order and to those who will hear it. Or maybe its not change that is wanted but stability, or the spreading of love. A new age is coming, one where the words around us become dry, dead to us. The English language is becoming one that is losing its fire, its passion behind the letters, sentences, sonnets, limericks, short stories, essays, novels. Let's keep it alive. As long as life lives on this earth, lets speak without holding back our beauty. The sounds from our throats and words from our lips will be again be filled with fervor. They will again be heard all around us, through song, written word, conversation, action. The words that follow will bring life to things that have since had a faint pulse and a longing to be revived. Don't stop...